


Home Is When I'm Alone With You

by justyrae



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Bickering, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Flirting, Kid Fic, Kissing, M/M, Rimming, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-23 14:47:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3772216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis has a tiny problem. Actually, he’s got four tiny problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home Is When I'm Alone With You

**Author's Note:**

> I'd had this idea kicking around in my head for ages before I went into sunsetmog's [askbox](http://magicalrocketships.tumblr.com/post/110183803168/okay-here-goes-so-one-morning-after-a-rather) and rambled it all out on anon. since then it took up shop in my head and REFUSED to gtfo until I wrote it. somehow it went from being 5k on easter to 19k less than a week later and here we are.
> 
> THE BIGGEST OF THANKS TO J FOR HOLDING MY HAND ALL THE WAY THROUGH THIS AND TELLING ME WHEN LOUIS WAS BEING TOO MEAN. LOVE YOU.  
> also super big thanks to sunsetmog for cheerleading me when I rambled in her inbox again. and again. at least those times I wasn't on anon...
> 
> title from "Home" by Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

Louis misses his boys. It's stupid, he _feels_ stupid for missing them all so much when it's only been a few days since they all last saw each other. He was excited about the break for days leading up to it; loudly boasting about all the things he planned to do when he wasn't 'hanging around with you sorry lot.' But now that he's gone and seen his mum and Dan and his sisters and played with Ernie and Dorie for ages, he misses his boys.

It's completely mad, he _knows_ it. It's been over four years, he should be used to this by now. But he's just feeling lonely and petulant and he wants some company around that he feels completely comfortable with. His flat feels too big for just himself, and Louis thinks he's honestly gone a bit off his head because he keeps hearing things like an echo of Niall's cackle or Liam's infectious giggle.

Really, it's entirely unfair that they've all gone and left him in the first place, he thinks to himself as he taps his fingers alongside the edge of his phone. He's got a blank group text open on his screen, but he's trying to think of some logical reason for them all to come 'round.

Niall's easy enough to bribe, just say you've got food and pints and he's there in nothing flat. Louis knows he can guilt Liam into just about anything if he whines long enough, so that's not going to be too difficult. Zayn, well, he'll piss and moan about being away from his bed but if Louis promises it'll be worth his while he'll probably drag himself over.

Louis has to strain to remember if Harry's even still on this side of the world. He vaguely remembers Harry telling them all where he'd be spending his break, but there's a very good chance that Louis fell asleep. Or he'd started pinching Liam, or something. He just can't sit still sometimes and Harry talks so _very_ slowly that Louis has to amuse himself somehow or else he'll fall asleep.

Still, in the end, all Louis can manage to type out is a simple **come to mine tomorrow for food, drinks, general debauchery**.

He's rather proud of himself for using such a big word. He might snort a little when he thinks about the possibility that Liam's going to have to look it up. Then he feels a bit bad because Liam tries, he really does. He's come very far in the last few years, and Louis' chest swells when he thinks about it.

A full minute goes by and still nobody's replied, so Louis starts to feel a bit annoyed.

Here he is, missing his boys like no other, and they're all too _busy_ to reply? How dare they! He should obviously write them all off, quit the band, and--

Louis' internal tirade is cut off when his phone pings in his hand with Niall's reply.

**be there with bells on haha !**

Louis smiles widely, his anguish from a few seconds ago disappearing immediately. One by one, the other boys reply - although Zayn's doesn't come for another few hours and _goddammit_ no one should've ever taught Zayn how to use emojis because now he uses them too bloody often - and Louis goes to bed that night with a smile on his face.

The next morning, however, is a bit of a mess. Louis actually has to have _food_ and _drinks_ for the boys and currently he's only got half a box of Weetabix and several cases of Yorkshire tea. His priorities are clearly in order, but the lads won't stand for this.

He makes a list, but in the end it's absurdly long and Louis is already pitying whoever has to fill his order at Tesco. This was clearly a terrible idea and he should've just made Liam bring things over instead. Or Harry, since he's always bragging about how good of a cook he is and his whole 'I used to be a baker' thing.

"Should make him bring a cake," Louis mutters as he finishes his list on the Tesco app on his phone and marks it for delivery as soon as possible. He's definitely going to have to give the delivery person a ridiculously large tip for needing to fill such an absurd order in such a short amount of time.

Feeling rather worn out from the obviously strenuous task of making a grocery list, Louis collapses onto his back on his couch, groaning when his head collides with something that's most certainly not the cushion he was expecting.

"Need to tidy up," he grumbles to himself as he pulls a takeaway box out from under his head, tossing it across the floor before settling back into the couch. The lads won't _really_ care if his flat is a mess, god knows they're all used to it by now, but in his mind Louis can already see the frown on Liam's face he knows will be there if he doesn't at least try to clean up.

Still, there's no way Louis is going to willingly get off the couch to tidy up until he absolutely has to. He probably won't get off the couch at all until his Tesco order arrives, and even then he'll consider it a grave injustice that he has to get up at all.

Instead, he busies himself with scrolling through Twitter on his phone to pass the time. He scrolls as far as about four hours back before he's typing in a particular user into the search bar and tapping his phone impatiently as he waits for the feed to load.

This would all be so much easier if Louis would just _follow_ Nick, but he can't. He just can't.

"Knob," Louis mutters under his breath as the page loads, and he sees that Nick's feed was updated mere minutes ago.

It's just a link to an Instagram post, and Louis groans loudly when he sees it's yet _another_ picture of his stupid dog. He quickly closes the app and drops his phone onto his chest, covering his face with his hands as he groans again.

Louis recuperates a minute later and unlocks his phone again to open up a new text to Nick's number, which is saved in Louis' phone under a single poo emoji.

The fact that he has Nick's number saved in his phone in the first place is a miracle in itself. But given that he deletes the text thread fairly often (usually seconds after sending texts), he quickly grew tired of having to type in Nick's number every time he wanted to text him an insult.

That's how he justified even _getting_ Nick's number - or rather pick-pocketing Harry, stealing Nick's number out of his phone, and putting it back before Harry even realized it was gone - all he wanted to do was text him insults every now and then.

It wasn't supposed to turn into a _thing_. He honestly didn't even expect Nick to text back in the first place. He just had to go and ruin Louis' fun by responding.

Only, it didn't ruin anything. The more Louis and Nick traded insults, the more Louis wanted to keep in contact. He'd never admit it aloud (and still had trouble admitting it in his own mind) but half the time he just wanted to make sure Nick was thinking about him.

Not that he was thinking about Nick all that much. Because he wasn't.

It's not a thing.

"You're lucky your dog is cute," Louis mumbles aloud as he taps out the message on his phone, "otherwise you'd have to subject us all to your ugly face."

Louis smiles to himself as he presses send. He goes to delete the thread immediately as per usual, but Nick texts back so quickly he doesn't get the chance.

**You've definitely used that before. Running out of ideas, are we?**

Louis glares at his phone so hard that if looks could kill, his phone most certainly would've exploded in his hand.

 **I am not** , he goes to text, but another message comes in from Nick before he's even typed the first word.

**It's alright love, you can admit defeat. I won't gloat too much**

Louis glares at his phone again, particularly at the row of emojis at the end of Nick's text. There's the sunglasses smiley one, the nail painting one, and lastly the girl dancing in a red dress one.

 **Never** , Louis replies, adding the purple devil emoji just because.

Feeling rather triumphant about having the last word, Louis deletes the conversation and puts his phone back in his pocket. He smiles to himself as he tucks his arms under his head, staring up at his ceiling as he continues to lay flat on his back with his legs sprawled out over the arm of his sofa. The fact that he falls asleep within a few minutes is purely accidental, as is the fact that a certain Radio 1 DJ invades his dreams.

He doesn't dream about Nick _that_ often. Not often enough where Louis feels the need to say anything about it to anyone - but then again, he wouldn't tell anyone even if he were having dreams about Nick every night. First of all, it's nobody's business who Louis dreams about and second of all, he's _not_ and it's not a _thing_.

It's just… not a thing.

Although, as much as Louis tries to convince himself that whatever it is that's going on between him and Nick isn't something to be bothered about, he has to admit that he does think about Nick an awful lot.

Contrary to popular belief - which Louis himself perpetuates and therefore only really has himself to blame for - Louis genuinely likes Nick. They share the same sense of humor - which Harry likes to remind him of every occasion Nick happens to pop up in conversation, because he's still under the impression that Louis hates Nick - and Louis does enjoy listening to him on the radio, even if he sometimes sends in rude texts to their line just to hear Nick laugh.

It's the fact that Louis _likes_ Nick that's the whole problem. Everything would be far easier if Louis could just turn it off and go back to the way things were before.

He wakes up with a start at the sound of his door buzzing, and after looking at the clock on the wall he realizes that he's slept far too late for someone with as many things to do as he has.

"Shit," he mutters as he gets up, a little too quickly judging by the white spots that blur his vision as he makes his way towards his door to buzz the delivery man up.

He's only slightly embarrassed at the state of his flat when the delivery man appears, with two other people holding enormous bags, and they all file in through the door and head for the kitchen per Louis' request. He ends up tipping them far more than he probably should - and they even try to give back some of the tip but Louis insists -  and then promptly goes into panic mode as soon as the door closes behind them.

It's entirely possible that Louis has never cleaned anything this quickly in his entire _life_ , but in reality most of the work just includes shoving old takeaway boxes and paper plates into a garbage bag and filling his sink with dirty teacups. There is a bit of a nasty crumb situation in-between his sofa cushions, but Louis suspects that a lot of it is Niall's fault from the last time he came over to play Call of Duty.

All in all, he manages to tidy up _and_ set out various trays of appetizers (while the rest of the food warms in his oven he's used perhaps three times since he moved in) before the boys are due to show up. Louis is really rather proud of himself that he's left himself with just enough time to get ready, which only really includes changing into a new shirt.

By the time the door buzzes again, Louis is calm, cool, and collected. It's all about to go to hell as soon as he opens the door - no matter which of his boys has decided to show up first - but that's half the fun!

One by one, the boys all appear and even though Louis saw them not long ago at all, it also feels like absolute _ages_ and he's happier than ever that he made them all come by.

Once they're all settled in it's clear they all have one thing in common on their minds: food. Niall, of course, is the first to voice this.

"M'hungry. Thought you said there'd be food?"

"There is, _Neil_ ," Louis huffs, "it's in the kitchen, of course."

"Can we eat now, then?" Niall goes on. "M'hungry."

"You're always hungry," Louis replies with a roll of his eyes, but he gets off the couch anyway and leads the way into the kitchen with the other four trailing behind him.

He offers them all drinks like the incredible host he obviously is, and he even goes so far as to grab them all from the refrigerator himself. Though when he turns back around, Harry's missing.

"Where'd he…?"

"Said he had to get something," Liam explains, graciously taking one of the beer bottles from Louis' hand. Louis shrugs as he hands another one of the beers to Niall, and just as he's about to give one to Zayn Harry reappears with a large paper bag in his hands. He sets it on the counter before he swipes the beer from Louis' hand.

"Cheers!"

"Harold," Louis says in a flat voice, "what the fuck is that?"

"What's what?" Harry asks before his eyes dart down to the bag and he smiles widely. "Oh, that! It's wicked, look!"

Louis stares as Harry reaches into the bag and pulls out, well, Louis has no idea _what_ it is that Harry's holding. He's absolutely never seen it before in his life, but judging by the way Harry's looking at it Louis assumes it's something edible. Or, at the very least, it's _supposed_ to be edible.

"What the fuck is that?" Louis repeats as the others all stare at the massive thing Harry's holding.

"It's fruit!" Harry says as he holds it out to Louis. "Look!"

"That's no fruit I've ever seen," Niall comments as he tentatively reaches out to poke it.

"Why's it blue?" Liam asks from behind Harry, peeking over his shoulder.

"Where'd you get it?" Zayn asks, his voice put-out as though he's already regretting showing up in the first place. Louis grins as he slips a beer into Zayn's hand; really, he's just happy Zayn showed up at all.

"At the market down the street from my flat. An old woman sold it to me, said it would--"

"Make your spunk sweeter?" Louis adds, smirking as the others groan.

"Really, Lou?" Liam sighs. "Did you have to?"

"I did, actually." Louis wiggles his eyebrows and Liam rolls his eyes in return. "But I don't care what she _did_ say, m'not eating that."

"Oh, come on!" Harry says with a frown. "She said it tastes like a strawberry."

"I'd rather eat normal strawberries, thank you very much." Louis shrugs as he sticks one hand into whatever bag of crisps is closest to him on the counter. "But for now, I'll stick to crisps and beer."

Harry frowns, his shoulders slumping as he brings the enormous fruit closer to his chest as though he's protecting it from Louis. He doesn't start whispering affirmations to it, but it's a close thing.

"I'll try it," Niall declares, and Harry beams in response. "Later, though. Right now I want whatever Louis' got in the oven. Smells amazing."

"'Course it does," Louis grins proudly as Niall sneaks past the other boys and makes his way towards the oven, "made it myself."

"You did not," Zayn replies, rolling his eyes.

"How would you know?" Louis retorts.

"The bloody Tesco bag is still by your fridge, idiot." Zayn shakes his head fondly and Louis huffs.

"You should be happy I'm feeding you lot at all," Louis snaps before turning around and smacking Niall's hands away from the oven door.

Niall pouts for a quick moment, but quickly distracts himself with the bag of crisps Louis abandoned on the counter. Harry carefully puts his ridiculous-looking fruit back in the paper bag and places it on the counter before following Zayn and Liam into the living room.

"D'you think it really tastes like strawberries?" Niall wonders aloud as he peers down into the bag.

"I don't care if it tastes like chocolate-covered strawberries with cream, m'not eating it." Louis replies with a firm shake of his head before he bends down to open the oven door.

Niall shrugs, grabbing a few more crisps before he offers to help Louis.

*

Harry doesn't bring up the fruit again until hours later, after they've eaten most of the other food that Louis bought and they're all feeling a bit stuffed and lazy.

He brings it out into the living room with a knife, and Louis still feels the same about it as he did earlier.

"I told you, m'not eating that."

"You don't have to," Harry replies, sticking his tongue out at Louis. "The rest of us will enjoy it plenty."

"I dunno about this," Liam says, eyeing the fruit oddly as Harry pokes at it with the knife. "Are you sure that's how you're supposed to cut it?"

"Not exactly, but I'm figuring it out," Harry mumbles.

"Give it here, before you hurt yourself," Niall says as he takes the knife out of Harry's hand and gestures for him to put the fruit on Louis' coffee table.

"Looks a bit like a pineapple," Zayn mumbles to Louis while the other three try to figure out how to divide it up.

"Too big to be a pineapple," Louis replies. "Plus it's fucking blue."

"Didn't say it _was_ a pineapple, you git." Zayn elbows Louis and Louis retaliates, the pair of them roughhousing a bit before Niall tells them to stop.

"Last thing we need is for one of you to bump me and I end up stabbing Liam!"

Liam, the poor thing, quickly scrambles away from Niall's side and causes the rest of them to burst out laughing.

"M'not actually going to stab you, Christ," Niall mumbles as he starts sawing the knife into the fruit, cutting it up surprisingly well given he's got no actual idea what he's doing.

"Who's first?" Harry asks as Niall hands him the first piece.

"Not it," Louis says as he holds up his hands.

"We _know_ ," Liam replies. Louis smacks him.

"I'll do it!" Niall decides quickly, picking up another piece and sniffing it before he takes a bite. The other four watch carefully as Niall chews and swallows, waiting for his reaction.

Niall, being the little shit that he is, mimics choking and collapses on the floor. The other boys practically fall over themselves in an effort to reach him first, but he can't keep a straight face long enough to keep the charade going and he starts laughing uncontrollably.

"Not funny, Niall," Liam grumbles.

"You should've seen your faces!" he cackles. "Priceless!"

"Would've expected that from Lou," Zayn mumbles, shaking his head.

"Hey!" Louis frowns. He then considers it for a moment and shrugs, "actually, you're probably right."

"Is it really that bad?" Harry asks, frowning so deeply that it's clear he's actually rather saddened by Niall's reaction.

"Nah, tastes good, actually." Niall beams. "Not quite like strawberries, but good!"

Harry's frown disappears immediately to be replaced with a huge smile, and he turns to the other three boys and offers them each a piece. Louis continues to refuse to even _touch_ it, but Zayn and Liam end up agreeing in the end.

"S'good, Lou," Liam says, still trying to get him to take a bit. "Try it."

"Nope." Louis shakes his head firmly. "Not doing it."

"Your loss," Zayn adds, "it's quite good."

"Keep your blue… pineapple… thing," Louis huffs. "I've still got crisps."

Across the couch, Harry rolls his eyes but doesn't say a word.

*

Later in the evening, when Louis is laying on the couch with his legs thrown over both Harry and Zayn's laps while Niall and Liam are deep in a battle of FIFA, Louis decides to pull his phone out of his pocket.

He's got every intention of tweeting something - torn between something rather cryptic about a night in or taking a photo of his boys and posting it on Instagram for their fans to have a conniption over - when he notices that he's got an unread text from Nick. A quick glance around the room confirms that everyone else is too absorbed in the video game to notice what Louis is doing, so he opens it without further hesitation.

**Tell you what, buy me dinner and we'll call it a draw**

The end of his text is followed by several emojis, of course: the martini glass, the spaghetti, and even a winky face. Louis swallows harshly, sparing another glance at the boys just to make sure they're not about to steal his phone out of his hands. Granted, he's done it enough to each and every one he could hardly blame them for the retaliation - but thankfully they're all still shouting at each other and the telly.

Or, well, Niall and Liam are shouting at each other while Harry's trying to give them each advice (quite terribly, of course) and Zayn is giggling madly to himself. Zayn's had quite a bit to drink at this point - they all have - but it's not as though he's a master of FIFA when he's sober so it doesn't particularly matter.

Louis checks the timestamp on the text, seeing that it came in after he'd fallen asleep on the couch. He can't help but feel a small swell of pride, his vindictive side pleased that he's made Nick wait this long for a response. Still, on the other hand, he's now itching with the need to reply and he certainly can't deny the tiny butterflies in his stomach caused by the fact that for all intents and purposes Nick actually asked him out on a date.

**Is this you asking me on a date? Bit presumptuous to ask at the last minute, don't you think? I am ME, after all**

Louis hesitates for half a second before pressing send, reassuring himself that his text is on the proper side between too mean and just mean enough. God forbid he actually lets on that he _wants_ to go out on a date with Nick. The whole world might collapse if that happened, and Louis would hate to be the cause of the world ending. He'd definitely blame it on Nick, though.

Nick replies not two minutes later, which is surprising given it's rather late by now and Louis would've thought for sure Nick would've gone to bed already since he's a dreadfully old man.

**Didn't say it had to be tonight, I know you've got your lads around. Also you called it a date, not me!**

At the end of Nick's text lies the smug smiley emoji, and Louis heart starts to race.

**How'd you know that? Did you put cameras in my flat, you pervert??**

**Also YOU asked ME so ha!**

"Who're you texting?" Zayn asks, nudging Louis' knee and making him jump.

"Nobody," Louis answers quickly. "Posting a picture of you on Twitter."

"You are not," Zayn grumbles as he reaches for Louis' phone, not managing to grab it out of his hands before Louis tumbles off the couch and into Liam.

"I win!" Niall crows, and Liam groans loudly.

"Not fair! Louis made me miss the shot!"

"I did no such thing," Louis replies after successfully putting his phone back in his pocket, having avoided Zayn's grabby hands. "I've got winner, c'mon Li, gimme the controller."

*

Louis has waken up enough times to Harry poking at his face to know it's him without opening his eyes. Granted, he hasn't done it in a while, but old habits tend to die hard.

"G'way, Haz."

Louis gets poked again, and hears a high-pitched giggle before there's suddenly a weight on his chest. He groans as he opens his eyes, rubbing the sleep out of them as he focuses on what's making it hard for him to breathe.

"Lou-ee!"

Louis blinks and rubs his eyes again, more furiously this time because there is _no fucking way_ that there's a toddler sitting on his chest. Certainly not a _naked_ toddler that scarily resembles one Harry Styles.

This is _not_ happening.

In a fit of mild panic, Louis sits up so suddenly that he accidentally knocks the toddler onto the floor and his normally quick reflexes do nothing to prevent it. Louis stares in horror as the toddler turns to look up at Louis with enormous green eyes, and one look at his trembling bottom lip tells Louis what's coming before it happens.

"No--"

He bursts into a wail and Louis covers his ears for a moment, doing a quick scan of the room for the others - thinking _where the fuck are you guys_ \- before he scoops the toddler into his arms and tries to stop him from crying.

"Shh, it's alright," he whispers, softly bouncing the toddler up and down as he continues to wail. "Don't cry, you're alright."

"L-Lou-ee," the toddler whimpers, pounding his tiny fist against Louis' chest. "Hurt Ha-wee."

"Harry?" Louis repeats, and the toddler looks up at him again and sniffles.

"Ha-wee." He grips Louis' shirt and tugs. "Lou-ee."

"Fuck," Louis breathes out. "Harry, what's happened?"

"Lou-ee," Harry repeats as he tugs on Louis' shirt again and starts to cry.

"Nooo…" Louis hears another voice, a small whine from the other side of the coffee table and he scrambles to his feet with Harry still in his arms to see two more toddlers curled up on the floor amidst the clothes they'd been wearing the night before.

"Shit," Louis mumbles, rubbing his eyes again in the hopes that it'll all go away. But it's no such luck, there are still three toddlers where his bandmates used to be. "Zayn!"

Louis grabs Harry's shirt from the couch before he sprints - as well as he can with Harry on his hip - into his bedroom, having remembered that Zayn disappeared around one in the morning to take refuge in Louis' room and his bed. Sure enough, when Louis opens the door there's a toddler-sized Zayn asleep in the middle of his bed.

"Shit!" Louis repeats, and Harry hits his chest again.

"No, Lou-ee!" Even with a toddler face, Harry's frowning just like always. "Bad!"

"Sorry," he grumbles as he walks over to the bed and deposits Harry onto it, wrapping his t-shirt around his bum in a makeshift diaper. "Stay here, yeah?"

"No," Harry whines, reaching out for Louis the moment he's out of his arms. "Lou-ee!"

"Stay here, Haz." Louis sighs. "Stay with Zayn, I'm going to get Niall and Liam."

Harry huffs, but maneuvers his tiny body across the bed to curl up next to Zayn and close his eyes. Louis watches for a moment, endeared at the sight of the two of them together before he remembers that they're _supposed to be fucking adults_.

"What the fuck," he grumbles under his breath as he quickly goes back to the living room, hoping that Niall and Liam haven't wandered off.

Thankfully, they're still on the floor where Louis left them, but Niall's stirring and Louis knows it's only a matter of time before Liam does the same.

"Up you get," he whispers as he scoops Niall into his arms, making sure to keep Niall's too-big shirt wrapped around his body. _Of course_ their clothes couldn't shrink as well.

Niall wraps his arms around Louis' neck and hums sleepily as Louis tries his best to grab Liam with his other free arm. Because Liam's still asleep, he's dead weight against Louis' arm and it's nearly impossible to get him off the floor without dropping Niall.

Only after Louis somehow manages to get both of them safely in his arms does he realize that Liam's sucking his thumb. It's adorable and awful at the same time and it makes Louis' heart hurt enough that he's already planning ways to tease Liam about this until the end of time when he turns back to normal.

Because they're all turning back to normal. They have to.

Louis pushes the thought out of his head at once - he does not need to be thinking anything but positive thoughts right now - as he makes his way back to the bedroom. Harry, of course, has wiggled his way out of his t-shirt and is sprawled on his back with his feet kicked up in the air, babbling to himself.

"Bloody hell," Louis mumbles, earning a giggle from Niall. "Think that's funny, do you?"

Niall giggles again and closes his fist around the collar of Louis' shirt, tucking his head back against Louis' shoulder while Liam keeps on sleeping.

"Nothing funny about this," Louis mutters under his breath as he climbs onto the bed, putting Liam next to Zayn while Niall slips out from under his other arm and tackles Harry.

He tries to pull them apart, because they're making far too much noise and rolling around dangerously close to the other two and Louis would prefer to try and figure this out with only two awake toddlers, but it's no use. By the time he gets Niall and Harry separated, both Zayn and Liam have woken up.

In his mind, Louis counts down to when the first of them begins to cry, expecting it not to take any more than ten seconds. He reaches three before Liam starts sniffling, Zayn following shortly behind.

"C'mon, now. Don't--" Louis groans as the both of them start to cry. He's heard this type of cry before - he knows it's because they're tired and confused and they just don't know what else to do.

Somewhere in the back of Louis' mind, he supposes it was lucky that he didn't turn into a toddler as well. Not just because if it had happened to all to them they would've been completely fucked, but because out of the five of them he's the only one with enough experience to take care of little ones.

As comforting as that was, it still did absolutely nothing to help with the current situation.

"Now, c'mon you two, stop it." Louis huffs. "This is no time to cry."

He winces as their cries grow louder, and he curses himself. It's been a long while since he's had to take care of babies all on his own but he's _better_ at it than this. The fact that he's most definitely hungover isn't helping matters much, but regardless he knows how to handle crying babies.

"C'mere," he says, gently pulling Liam and Zayn into his arms for a cuddle. "It'll be alright, there, there."

Niall and Harry crawl over to him as well, demanding cuddles from not only Louis but from Liam and Zayn too and Louis quickly finds himself sprawled on his back with four giggling toddlers in a pile on top of him.

Maybe this won't be so difficult after all.

*

No more than two hours later, Louis is questioning absolutely everything he knows about toddler care.

He's been trying for nearly twenty minutes to get them all fed, but he's found that it's rather extremely difficult to wrangle four toddlers at once when you've got no high-chairs or anything baby-proofed even in the slightest.

Harry keeps managing to wriggle out of any clothes Louis puts him in - granted they're all too big for any of them because Louis doesn't _have_ any toddler-sized clothes just lying around - and then proceeds to run around the flat so Louis has to chase him just to try and pin something around his waist for another minute or so.

Niall's hungry as ever, which would be perfectly fine if he were still an adult and could properly feed himself. He's tried several times to open the fridge door by himself, but he continues to knock himself onto his back and can't get back up before it snicks shut again. Not to mention he's successfully rummaged through every cupboard he can access from the floor, even though not a single one holds any food.

Liam, the poor sod, has already fallen into the toilet once when he tried to use it all by himself. He'd disappeared while Louis was busy grabbing Niall before he played with all of the cleaning supplies under the sink, and so all Louis heard was a splash followed by a cry of anguish.

Louis highly doubts he'll ever forget having to help all four of his tiny bandmates use the toilet.

Since the toilet incident, Liam's been wrapped tightly around Louis' ankle and making it even harder for Louis to chase down Harry.

Zayn, thankfully, has been the most well-behaved out of the four of them. He hasn't been poking around places he shouldn't be, he's just been curled up on the couch waiting for things to calm down.

Or so Louis thought.

"Zayn?" he calls. He's currently looking at an empty sofa, swearing that Zayn had been sitting there not five minutes ago. He's got Liam still clutching his ankle, Harry on one hip, and Niall over his shoulder - but there's no sign of Zayn.

He may have all the time in the world to get this sorted out, but he certainly doesn't have the patience to deal with Zayn disappearing on him right now.

"Zayn!" he yells, loud enough that the other three all whimper. He mutters apologies as he starts limping around the flat, forced to drag his left foot along the ground as long as Liam's attached to it.

He finally finds Zayn in the corner of his bedroom with a too-big pen in his tiny toddler hand, scribbling on what Louis hopes is a blank piece of paper. Zayn looks up for a moment when Louis walks in, but quickly lies down on whatever he's been drawing and hides his face against the floor when Louis comes closer.

"What've you got there?" Louis asks as he nudges Zayn's side with his foot.

"No," Zayn mumbles in his small voice and Louis can't help but huff in return.

"You can't go wandering off, Zayn." He nudges him again, but Zayn curls in further around himself and turns his back to Louis.

The problem is Louis can't pick up Zayn without putting down either Harry or Niall and he _can't_ put down Harry or Niall. Louis' only option is to try to get Liam to let go of his ankle and have him try and get Zayn to follow them back into the other room.

"Liam," he says as he shakes his left leg a little. Liam holds on tighter and Louis huffs, thinking to himself that this is already not going the way he wants it to. "Liam, go see what Zayn's been drawing, yeah?"

Liam looks up at him and then over at Zayn, taking perhaps another two minutes before he carefully lets go of Louis' leg and crawls over to him. He starts petting Zayn's head gently, mumbling soft words that Louis can't quite make out - not sure if they're even proper English at this point.

After what feels like ages of waiting - especially since Niall's started struggling against Louis' grip and Harry's trying to get Louis to put him down - Zayn sits up and shares his drawing with Liam.

"Can I see?" Louis asks softly, bending down to Zayn's level on his knees after whispering _knock it off_ to the other two.

Zayn scoots towards Louis with Liam at his side and holds the paper up so Louis can see it properly. It takes a minute for Louis to realize that Zayn's gone and drawn on one of his bank statements, which isn't entirely the end of the world but Louis can't understand how Zayn even found it in the first place.

Part of him knows he should scold Zayn for wandering off and for drawing on his things without asking, but Zayn's looking at him with such hopeful eyes and his bottom lip is already wobbling a little so Louis can't bring himself to.

"It's lovely," Louis says finally, offering Zayn a smile. "Come back in the kitchen and we'll put it up on the fridge, yeah?"

Louis carefully gets back to his feet, only having one slightly terrifying moment where he thought he was going to tumble onto his bum and lose his grip on one of his toddler bandmates, and goes to wait by the door for Zayn and Liam to waddle over. He lets them go through the door first and smiles as they wobble along, clutching each other's hands as they go.

"It's going to be fine," he mumbles to himself as he slowly shuffles after them, "it's going to be fine."

*

Another two hours pass by and Louis' stress level has not decreased at all. He's finally managed to feed them all, but barely. He had to make do with the leftovers from the night before which were not exactly baby-friendly, and not a single one of them managed to get through the meal without making some sort of mess.

Louis' one saving grace was the fact that they'd all passed out shortly after they'd finished eating. Or, in Zayn's case, smearing most of his food on the counter while Niall had tried poaching food from every single one of the other boys which had set Liam off in a crying fit and Harry tried to comfort him by crawling across the counter and knocking several things over in his path. If Louis hadn't gotten some peace and quiet, he was sure to dissolve into madness.

 _I need to call someone_ , he thinks to himself as he tries to quietly clean up the disaster area in his kitchen.

His main problem is that he normally calls one of the boys when's got himself in a spot of trouble, and he has no idea what to do when his boys are the ones causing said trouble.

He supposes he could call his mum, but she's still extremely busy with the twins and couldn't possibly drop everything to come take care of four more babies. Not to mention there's a very good chance she wouldn't believe him.

"My bandmates have turned into babies," he mutters aloud, shaking his head quickly. "I wouldn't believe it either."

Once he's finished cleaning up the kitchen, he checks on the boys in the living room. Thankfully they're all still sleeping soundly on top of the pile of blankets he'd made for them, and it warms Louis' heart to see them all curled around each other like that. He takes out his phone and snaps a picture, knowing full well there's a good chance even they won't believe him when this is all over.

 _Oh god_ , he thinks, _what if they don't turn back?_

Louis shakes his head again, forcing himself to stay positive. He has to stay positive about this or else he really will go mad. He definitely doesn't want to think about a world without his boys by his side as they're supposed to be. It's just not right.

He quietly moves through his flat towards this bedroom, collapsing on his bed with a deep sigh before he starts scrolling through his contacts to see if he could find someone - _anyone_ \- who might be able to help.

Since he's already crossed his mum off the list, he tries to think of other responsible adult types that he knows who could help out in a time like this. He comes across Paul's number, but ends up passing it because Paul would definitely think Louis was pulling a prank.

Louis could already hear Paul's voice in his head telling him to piss off.

Next up is Lou Teasdale, who would probably think it was a joke but would probably play along. And of course Louis already knows she'd be great with the boys since she's wonderful with Lux, but it's not until he's clicked on her number that he remembers she's off on holiday somewhere warm and lovely.

"Shit," he mutters as he keeps scrolling, crossing off people left and right until he reaches the very bottom of the list.

There, waiting for him, is Nick.

Louis locks his phone and covers his face, telling himself that it's absolutely the worst idea he's ever had and there's _no way_ he's calling Nick.

Nick would never, ever believe him. He'd probably make an enormous fuss about Louis calling him at all and not even listen to what Louis had to say.

"It's not happening," Louis mumbles to himself.

He sits in silence for another ten minutes before his resolve crumbles. He calls Nick.

"Do my eyes deceive me?" Nick drawls into the phone with a laugh, "or is Louis Tomlinson actually calling me?"

"Shut up," Louis grumbles, half pleased with himself for being _right_ but half wishing he'd never called in the first place. "I need help but if you're going to be a twat I'll just call someone else."

Of course he has no idea who else he'll call but Louis needs to hold something over Nick's head in this situation even if it's just to feel like he's still got some semblance of control.

"What d'you need help with?" Nick asks in a serious tone. "Is everything alright?"

"It's fine, it's just--" Louis groans. There's really no easy way to explain this whole situation without sounding completely mental, and he knows it. "Could you come 'round?"

"To yours?" Nick pauses. "Are you serious?"

"Yes," Louis replies through gritted teeth, "you're not going to believe me unless you see it for yourself."

"I hardly think your dick is _that_ impressive, Lou."

"M'not talking--" Louis groans. "Just… get over here, would you?"

"Alright, alright," Nick sighs. "I'll be over in a bit."

"Oh, and, um…"

"What?"

"Could you, like, bring some baby clothes? And nappies, as well?"

"Louis, what the fuck is going on?"

Louis lets out a slightly hysterical laugh and sighs. He's about to try and explain when he hears Harry's voice from the other room calling his name.

"Lou-eeeeee!"

"Bugger," Louis grumbles into the phone. "Look, I'll explain it all when you get here. Just… hurry, yeah?"

He ends the call without bothering to wait for Nick to reply and shoves his phone in his pocket before he runs out into the living room. Harry's the only one who's awake, and Louis is thankful for that even if he's annoyed to see that Harry's managed to lose his clothes yet again.

"You're such a menace," he mumbles as he scoops Harry into his arms. "I don't know why we keep you around."

"Lou-ee!" Harry babbles as he wraps his arms around Louis' neck and nuzzles his face against his shoulder.

"Yes, Haz, well done."

Louis sighs as he takes Harry back into his bedroom to try and find something to cover him up with until Nick gets there, all the while trying _not_ to dwell on the fact that he called Nick fucking Grimshaw for help.

It doesn't work. Louis is fucked.

*

If there were any other way to avoid doing bath time on his own, Louis would've found it. He's already held off for as long as he can, but he can hardly keep two of his bandmates under control let alone all four.

And to add to Louis' headache, Niall and Liam somehow climbed onto the counter while Louis was busy chasing Harry and trying very hard not to yell at Zayn for coloring on the walls. Where Zayn found the crayons he was using, Louis has no idea. All he knows is Zayn's treating the walls of his flat like they're his own and making a tiny masterpiece - which he most definitely shouldn't be.

While Louis was preoccupied, Niall and Liam had found their way into the cupboard where Louis has a bit of chocolate stored from various places around the world. He keeps it mainly for when Niall comes around, knowing that he's always up for a bit of chocolate, but he hadn't counted on babyfied Niall remembering which cupboard they were kept in.

By the time Louis discovers them, it's too late. They're already covered in chocolate.

"Are you kidding me?!" he shouts, startling the two of them. He's already got Harry and Zayn on either hip and there's no way he can carry all four of them at once without getting even more chocolate everywhere, but he has to get Liam and Niall away from the rest of the chocolate and out of the kitchen.

They look at Louis with wide eyes and both of their bottom lips begin to tremble as though they're about to cry and Louis tries to brace himself for it.

"Don't cry," he begs as Zayn tucks his head in the crook of Louis' neck and Harry clenches his tiny fist around Louis' shirt, "please, don't cry."

Liam rubs his eyes with his chocolate-covered hands, spreading more across his cheeks before he reaches out to Louis with his bottom lip still pushed out in a pout. Niall follows suit, making grabby hands at Louis and scooting his bum across the counter until Louis is positive he's going to fall right off so he's forced to step forward.

"Tiny… little… menaces," he grumbles as both Niall and Liam cling to him and the other two, spreading enough sticky chocolate around to make every single one of them an absolute mess. Niall and Harry are giggling as Niall paints Harry's face with the leftover chocolate on his hands, while Liam cuddles close to Zayn who doesn't seem to mind that Liam's getting chocolate in his hair.

Louis has perhaps twenty seconds to figure out what he's going to do before he drops one of his bandmates, and there's only one choice: he has to give them all a bath.

At first, he thinks maybe he can get away with shutting them all up in the bathroom and bathing them one at a time, but two minutes into the first bath he realizes that's not going to work. He can't possibly concentrate on getting one clean while the other three are left to their own devices - especially after Niall and Liam have demonstrated their ability to get into things they shouldn't.

His only choice is to try and get all four of them into the bath at the same time. Which isn't really a problem when taking into account the size of the bathtub and the individual sizes of the four, but turns into a much larger problem when he's trying to keep them all in the bathtub.

It takes about two minutes for Louis to get completely soaked, mainly due to the fact that Niall won't stop splashing him but also because Harry continuously tries to climb out of the bathtub and Louis has to grab him before he can do so.

Louis can't even _think_ because all four of them are babbling as he's trying to wash the chocolate off of each one and keep calm so he doesn't snap at them and make everything worse. All it takes is one wrong move for everything to fall apart, which is exactly what happens.

No matter how many times he tells Niall to _stop splashing_ , he doesn't. Louis has to pause in his washing of Liam's hair to push Harry back into the tub, and that's when Niall splashes Liam in the face with water, making the shampoo run into Liam's eyes.

Louis has about a second to react before Liam's crying his eyes out, furiously rubbing at them as shampoo continues to run down his forehead. Louis hurries to fill his hands with water to try and wash it away, but Liam won't put his hands down long enough for Louis to try and help.

"I told you to stop splashing!" he scolds Niall, who's hiding behind his own hands while Harry and Zayn stare wide-eyed at Louis. Liam continues to cry, still sniffling and whimpering even when he finally lets Louis tip his head back and wash away the shampoo.

Louis offers Liam a smile, hoping that'll be enough to calm him down for the moment, and Liam smiles back even though his eyes are still very red and he's still a little sniffly.

"There's my boy," he whispers, thumbing away a few errant tears.

Suddenly his phone starts ringing, nearly scaring the life out of him as he rushes to see who it is. His hands are still wet enough that he can't actually answer it, but when he sees it's Nick calling he assumes it means that he's finally here.

"About bloody time," he mumbles under his breath, "alright, umm… Zayn, you're in charge."

Zayn stares up at him, as do the other three, and Louis shrugs helplessly. The door's locked so Nick can't just let himself in, and there's not really enough water in the tub to have to worry about any of them drowning while he's gone. Really, Louis is just out of options.

"He's the oldest," he offers as an excuse as he gets to his feet. "Niall, _no splashing_. Harry, stay in the tub! Liam…" Louis sighs. "Just… be safe. I'll be back in two minutes."

This is an absolutely terrible idea and Louis knows it as he runs out of the bathroom and heads for his front door. His phone starts ringing again halfway between the two but he can't be bothered to actually answer it before he opens the door and there's Nick, right in front of him.

"D'you know how long I've been knocking?" Nick asks as Louis just stares at him. "Good thing someone held the door for me downstairs, otherwise I'd have been stuck in the fucking rain. Mind you, I had half a mind to just not show up at all." He lifts the bags in his hands and part of Louis can't actually believe he brought things to help. "Thought I was a right idiot for getting all this for you."

"I've been busy," Louis replies, a bit haughtily even as he feels warm all over when Nick looks him up and down. The fact is his normally loose joggers are completely drenched with water and therefore clinging to his thighs. The same goes for his shirt, which he tries to wring out while Nick's still staring at him

"Been showering with your clothes on?" Nick says with a smirk.

"No," Louis snaps, quickly crossing his arms and too easily sliding into his normal combative behavior when he's around Nick, "I've--"

He's cut off by a squeal and Louis turns to see Harry, stark naked and soaking wet, running towards the door.

"Nick!" he screeches as he collides with Nick's ankle, hugging him tightly.

"What…" Nick stares at Louis. "Whose baby is this?"

Louis laughs awkwardly as he kneels down to try and pull Harry off of Nick.

"Thought I told you to stay in the tub," he grumbles as he tugs on Harry.

"No!" Harry wails as he refuses to let go, of course, and Nick is forced to step inside with Harry wrapped around his ankle.

"Funny story," Louis says as he closes the door after Nick's come in, "woke up this morning to this one sitting on me."

"Alright…" Nick answers, staring down at Harry with a wary look as Harry beamed up at him. "You didn't answer my question, though. Whose--"

"That's Harry," Louis interrupts as he starts heading back to the bathroom.

"What… where are you going?!" Nick calls, but Louis doesn't stop. He has to get back to the other boys, god only knows what kind of trouble they're getting into without him around.

Thankfully nothing's broken and nobody's crying when Louis re-enters the bathroom. On the contrary, it's actually a ridiculously cute scene that he walks in on. All three are babbling to each other as Zayn and Niall turn Liam's hair into a mohawk, and Louis just has to stop and stare for a moment as a smile spreads across his face.

One by one, the boys realize he's come back and they all start shouting his name. Louis chuckles as he walks forward and gets back down on the floor so he can help them finish their bath, taking care to praise them for doing such a lovely job with Liam's hair.

He's so wrapped up in messing about with all of them that he doesn't realize Nick's followed him until he hears Harry's giggle from behind him.

"What the fuck is going on?" Nick asks, yelping a moment later when Harry's hit him.

"Bad Nick!"

Louis can't help but laugh, long and loud and nearly collapsing onto his back from laughing so hard. When he calms down, the other three boys are all clinging to the edge of the tub as they wave and chant Nick's name.

"Nick," Louis says with a bit of a laugh as he gestures to Niall, Liam and Zayn, "you know my bandmates."

"What've you done to them?" Nick asks, staring at them all wide-eyed.

"I didn't do anything," Louis huffs. "I woke up this morning and they were all like this."

"Things like this don't just happen, Louis!" Nick shouts hysterically.

"Keep your voice down!" Louis whispers harshly. "You'll upset them!"

Harry's already whining from where he's curled around Nick's ankle, and Louis well knows that once one goes off it's only a matter of time for the other three.

"Your bandmates are infants, Louis!" Nick continues, "this is not bloody normal!"

"I know it's not normal!" Louis shouts back. "I'm not an idiot, I know this doesn't just _happen_!"

"You're certainly acting like it is! What, d'you think this is your only chance to play house or what?"

"Fuck off," Louis growls. "If you're going to be a twat about it then you can get the fuck out, I don't need your help!"

As they argue, Harry's whining grows progressively louder and the others start to join in. Out of the corner of his eye Louis can see Niall, Zayn, and Liam all holding their hands over their ears. Niall's chanting _no, no, no_ while the other two remain mostly silent, and Louis knows he should stop arguing but he just _can't_.

"Clearly you do, or you wouldn't have called me in the first place!"

"Well _clearly_ it was a mistake!" Louis is seething now, taking out all of his anger and frustration that's built up over the last few hours on Nick. "If you don't want to help, then just go!"

"Fine!" Nick shouts back. "I will!"

"Good!"

Nick pries Harry off of his ankle and storms over to Louis, shoving Harry in his arms before he turns on his heel and slams the bathroom door behind him. Harry immediately bursts into tears and Louis has no choice but to hold him close until he stops.

He looks at the other three who look equally terrified and he frowns.

"Sorry, loves," he says in a quiet, sad voice, "didn't mean to scare you."

*

Harry is still a little sniffly by the time Louis finally finishes drying them all off. Louis has tried nearly everything to cheer Harry up, but he knows deep down that Harry absolutely hates when he and Nick fight like that. Granted, it's happened enough times that Harry should be used to it by now, but they've never had an argument quite like that.

Even the other boys are more subdued now, and as hectic as things were before Louis hates knowing that he made them upset. If he can't make them turn back into adults just yet, then he wants his giggly, ridiculous baby bandmates back.

"What d'you lot say to a cuddle in the living room?" he asks as he herds them out of the bathroom, the four dressed in random t-shirts of Louis' that are just long enough to drag on the floor and make Louis slightly worried that they're going to trip. "Big pile of blankets and pillows?"

"Fort!" Niall yells.

"Yeah!" Liam replies, and they both start tugging on Louis' jeans shouting _fort! fort!_

"Alright, alright," Louis replies with a laugh. "We can build a fort."

Niall and Liam cheer and take off towards the living room, while Harry and Zayn shuffle behind at a much slower pace with their hands clasped firmly together.

"Go on, you two," Louis says as he decides to grab the pillows and blankets from his own bed. "I'll be along in a minute."

He's halfway through gathering up his pillows and blankets when he hears a shriek from the other room, and he nearly trips himself in an effort to get there.

Louis is extremely surprised to find Nick in the living room, but not surprised at all to see Harry in his arms clinging to him for dear life.

"Lou-ee!" he cries happily, "Nick!"

"I see him, Haz." Louis shakes his head. "Thought you'd gone."

"Thought about it," Nick answers softly, making silly faces at Harry to keep him entertained while the other three pull the pillows off the couch.

"What changed your mind?" Louis asks as he gives one of his pillows to Niall and the other to Zayn before tossing the blanket onto Liam's head. Liam huffs his way out from under the blanket, but is smiling widely when he reappears.

"Couldn't do it, could I?" Nick laughs as Harry grabs his nose and says _no_ firmly. "No, indeed."

"You're an idiot," Louis mumbles as he walks around Nick and crawls onto the floor to start building the fort properly. It's very hard to make a fort out of blankets and pillows when they're at least twice your size.

By the time the fort is finished - and absolutely massive, taking up half the living room - Zayn's fast asleep in a nest of pillows, Harry's asleep on Nick's shoulder, and Niall and Liam are trying their hardest to stay awake but they keep rubbing their eyes and yawning.

"Nap time," Louis sings softly as he covers them up with one of the smaller blankets not used in the construction of the fort. Niall whines but Liam curls up immediately, tugging Niall in for a cuddle before closing his eyes.

Louis carefully crawls out of the fort and sees Nick gently putting Harry down on the couch and putting his jacket over him, and it absolutely does _not_ warm Louis' heart. He doesn't meet Nick's eye before he heads for the kitchen, but he stops dead in his tracks when he gets there.

"You had a bit of a mess," Nick says softly from behind him a moment later. "Thought maybe you could use the help."

Louis laughs quietly, unbelievably grateful that Nick cleaned up all the chocolate that had covered the counter before as he had _not_ been looking forward to dealing with that.

"Thanks," he answers finally, stepping away before Nick can lay a hand on his shoulder, "want something to drink?"

"Sure," Nick replies with a sigh. "Lou, why'd you call me?"

"What d'you mean?" Louis answers with his hand frozen on the refrigerator door handle as he  stares at Zayn's drawing pinned to the refrigerator, still avoiding Nick's gaze.

"You know what I mean." Nick sighs again. "I don't know what we are to each other but I didn't think…"

"Think what?" Louis asks. He turns his head just enough that he can see Nick out of the corner of his eye, but he keeps his body facing the refrigerator.

"Why didn't you call your mum?" Nick asks, changing the subject. "Surely she'd be more help than me."

"She's got babies of her own," Louis answers as he opens the refrigerator door, poking around for a minute or two before he pulls out two bottles of water. "Didn't want to bother her with more."

"Doesn't explain why you called me, though." Louis huffs loudly, turning just enough so he can shove the water bottle into Nick's hands.

"I just did, alright?" He sighs. "I did, and you showed up, so let's just drop it."

"Alright," Nick replies, "d'you want to see what I brought?"

"Yeah," Louis darts around Nick as he leaves the kitchen, "better have brought some clothes that Harry can't get out of."

"He does prefer nudity," Nick remarks with a laugh as he follows Louis into the other room.

Louis starts pawing through the bags without waiting for Nick, who ends up just sitting next to him and watching. Louis mutters to himself as he picks out the various clothes Nick has brought, trying to decide which of the boys will hate them the least.

"These are all awful, where did they even come from?"

"Hey, be nice," Nick replies with a huff, "they're better than what you've been doing."

"Shut up," Louis grumbles as his cheeks heat up, "been doing my best, haven't I?"

"Yeah," Nick says softly, "you have." He laughs suddenly and then groans as he covers his face and Louis eyes him suspiciously.

"What?" he demands.

"Nothing, it's just…" Nick laughs again, "I didn't think you'd actually have babies to put those clothes on. Thought it might be some weird sex thing or summat."

"Weird sex thing?" Louis repeats. "What weird sex thing would include baby clothes?!"

"I don't know!" Nick continues to laugh. "That's why I said weird!"

"You're weird," Louis replies, "and get your mind out of the gutter. There's kids around."

"Oh, please. They're just adults in tiny baby bodies." Louis gives him a blank look. " _Fine_ , they're kids and I'll try to be on my best behavior. Happy?"

"Delirious," Louis huffs. "Didn't bring a crib, I see." He shakes his head and mutters _useless_ under his breath.

"You didn't mention a bloody crib!"

*

Louis and Nick have about half an hour of time between when the boys fell asleep to when the first woke up - and they spend nearly the whole time arguing. In fact, Louis is rather relieved when a sleepy Liam crawls out of the fort and around the couch to find them. Liam looks rumpled and genuinely put off, rubbing his eyes as he sticks out his bottom lip in a deep frown.

"Too loud," he mumbles as he continues crawling until he's in Louis' lap. "Sleepy."

"Sorry, love," Louis says as he puts his arms around Liam and squeezes him gently. "Knobhead here was being too loud."

"Hey," Nick protests, but it earns a giggle from Liam.

"Bad Lou-ee," he mumbles as he closes his eyes again as he rests his head against Louis' chest. His thumb finds its way into his mouth and he falls asleep right there in Louis' lap.

"See?" Louis whispers harshly. "You woke Liam."

" _You_ woke Liam," Nick whispers back. "You and your big, stupid mouth!"

"Please," Louis scoffs, "your mouth is way bigger than mine, what with all those horse teeth you've got."

"Don't remember ever hearing a complaint about it before," Nick replies coolly. "Think you rather enjoyed it, in fact."

"Nicholas," Louis hisses as he quickly covers Liam's ears, "there are _children_ around!"

"Please," Nick laughs, "s'not just that, is it? You've never told them anything, have you?"

Louis looks away, staring down at Liam in his arms to avoid Nick's eye as he mumbles, "doesn't matter."

"Why'd you call me?" Nick asks again.

"Just did."

"Don't give me that. You called me for a reason, what was it?"

"Doesn't matter," Louis repeats.

"It bloody well does to me," Nick says with a huff. "I'd like to know if there's some other reason you called me other than you needed someone to bring nappies for your baby bandmates."

Louis stays silent, wincing as Nick continues in an increasingly frustrated tone of voice. Liam stirs ever so slightly in his lap, but his thumb stays firmly planted in his mouth and Louis hopes to God he won't wake up just yet.

"You drive me mad, d'you know that? I thought I knew where I stood with you at the beginning but now I've got no idea at all. One minute you're calling me stupid or ugly or whatever you think's funny, and the next you're pulling me into a fucking closet and…"

Nick groans and buries his face in his hands, and Louis is overwhelmingly thankful that he didn't finish that sentence. His cheeks are absolutely burning and he's praying that Liam stays asleep, that he doesn't hear how badly Louis has fucked up.

"I don't know," Louis mumbles. "I just don't know, alright?"

"That's not good enough, Lou," Nick replies in a tired voice. "It's just not."

"I fucking know that," he snaps. "I'm trying, alright? I'm trying to figure it out but you're not making it any easier, especially bringing it up when I've _clearly_ got bigger problems."

Out of the corner of his eye, Louis sees Nick look at Liam for a moment and he sighs again.

"Y'know, I wondered…" Nick trails off and the hairs on the back of Louis' neck stand on end.

"Wondered what?" he asks flatly.

"Nothing, forget it."

"No, tell me." Louis looks at Nick, the tables turning as Nick avoids Louis' eyes. "What've you wondered? Whether I'm shagging my bandmates, is that it?"

"No, Lou, fuck. I--"

"No, that's it, isn't it?" Louis' voice is getting loud again and Liam's stirring in his lap, but he's so _angry_ that Nick would even _think_ this he can't be bothered by anything else. "You're just like everyone else."

"Everyone else who?" Nick sighs. "You're not making any sense!"

"None of this makes any sense!" Louis shouts.

"No…" Liam whines as he opens his eyes and blinks at the two of them wearily, "loud…"

"M'sorry, Li." Louis sighs. "Sorry."

"Shh." Liam reaches for Louis' mouth and presses his hand against it, "shh."

"Alright, Li." Louis smiles fondly down at him, pulling his hand away so he can kiss the top of Liam's head. "Back to sleep, yeah?"

Louis refuses to look at Nick; he keeps his eyes on Liam who slides down and curls up in Louis' lap, resting his head on Louis' thigh as he sucks his thumb back into his mouth.

"I didn't mean to--"

"Don't," Louis interrupts with a heavy sigh, "just don't."

"Lou, I--"

"I'm not shagging Liam," Louis says firmly, "or any of the other lads. So just… don't, alright?"

"Alright," Nick agrees gently. "M'sorry."

"It's fine," Louis replies, even though it's really not.

Nick might be the first person to (almost) say it to his face, but it's not the first time the idea has crossed Louis' mind. Truth be told, it's one of his biggest fears. The last thing he wants to do is make anything more difficult than it has to be for the rest of the lads, even if that means not being himself.

It's not so bad, really. Or at least that's what Louis keeps telling himself.

"It's not," Nick says with a sigh, "really, it's not. I shouldn't have said it, but I say a lot of stupid shit when I'm nervous."

"Nervous a lot, then?" Louis quips. "You talk a lot of shit all the time."

"You're one to talk," Nick replies with a hesitant laugh. "But… how are you dealing with this?" He gestures to Liam. "This… it's mad! Adults don't just turn into babies overnight."

"Apparently, they do." Louis huffs. "I just keep hoping they'll turn back. Or, like, I've just dreamed all this up, y'know?"

"So I'm in this dream as well, am I?" Nick offers Louis a smile. "Have to say, m'not fond of my dream self."

"Not fond of you either," Louis replies with a laugh. "Dream you is a bit of a twat."

"Good thing I'm not really dream me, then." Nick shifts closer to Louis and lays his hand on Louis' knee, careful not to bump Liam. "I'm glad you called me, even if I've been rubbish."

"Can't believe you thought it was going to be weird sex stuff," Louis mumbles under his breath and Nick groans.

"Never gonna let me forget that, are you?"

"'Course not. M'gonna call in every morning and tell everyone Nick Grimshaw is into weird sex stuff that has to do with babies and shit. You'll be the laughingstock of the whole country."

"You're such a dick," Nick grumbles, fighting to hide a smile. "Dunno why I came over here at all."

"Dunno either," Louis replies, his mouth twitching as he fights a smile of his own. "Might as well leave."

"Nah, don't think I will."

*

It didn't take long for Louis and Nick to start fighting again once the boys had properly woken up from their naps. They split up the boys between the two of them to try and get them dressed in actual baby clothes and, well, it didn't go as easily as they'd hoped.

Or at least it wasn't easy for Nick, because he had Harry and Niall.

Louis came out of his bedroom with Zayn and Liam both dressed in tiny clothes with diapers on underneath - "because I'm _not_ fishing you out of the toilet again, Liam!" - to see Nick frantically chasing a once again naked Harry around the living room. Niall, on the other hand, was sitting on the couch with a shirt half-pulled over his head. Surely that had to be a hazard of some kind.

"For fuck's sake," Louis grumbles as he deposits Zayn and Liam onto the couch and tugs Niall's shirt down over his head. "I gave you one thing to do!"

"I took my eyes off of Harry for _one second_!" Nick replies, out of breath from running after Harry. "He's a quick little bugger."

"Bad!" Harry shouts from where he's hiding around the corner of the couch, giggling when Louis turns to give him a look. He meant for it to be disapproving, but he couldn't help the feeling of glee in his heart over Nick being outsmarted by an infant so it was probably more fond than anything else.

"C'mere, Haz." Louis sits down on the floor and opens his arms to Harry, who looks at him hesitantly for a moment before he runs over. "You at least need a nappy, alright?"

"Lou-ee," Harry whines, pushing his bottom lip down in a pout but Louis remains firm.

"You don't have to wear anything else if you don't want to, but you have to cover up your bits, yeah?"

Harry huffs and presses his face against Louis' collarbones as he whines loudly and pounds his fists against Louis' chest. Louis stays still and takes it, knowing full well that he shouldn't give in to Harry just because he's having a bit of a tantrum.

Nick watches carefully as he puts Niall down on the couch to join Zayn and Liam.

"You're so good at that," Nick says quietly once Harry's finally calmed down and let Louis put a nappy on.

"Years of practice," Louis answers with a shrug. "I was rubbish with my first sister."

"M'sure you weren't." Nick shakes his head. "Bet you were always good at this."

"Yeah, well," Louis snickers, "not hard when compared to you."

Nick rolls his eyes as he turns back to the boys on the couch, muttering _why am I not surprised_ under his breath. Louis sticks his tongue out at Nick while his back is turned but all four of the boys see him do it and giggle.

"Stop making rude gestures, there are kids around," Nick calls over his shoulder.

"M'not," Louis replies as he gets up, settling Harry on his hip. "I know how to behave myself around children, _Nicholas_."

"Niiick," Niall whispers loudly as he tugs on the hem of Nick's shirt, making him bend down so Niall can whisper properly in his ear.

"Niall's hungry," Nick declares with a wholly unsurprised look on his face. Louis looks at Niall and raises his eyebrows.

"Is that so, Nialler?"

Niall nods his head eagerly and starts to giggle before he rolls onto his stomach and tries to slide off the couch by himself. Nick catches him before he can reach the floor, tickling Niall's belly as he scoops him into his arms.

"Gotcha!"

"M'hungry too," Zayn says quietly as he wraps his arms around himself and pouts at Louis. Liam nods and follows Zayn's lead.

"Me too."

"And what about you, Hazza?" Louis asks, bouncing Harry on his hip. "You hungry as well?"

"Mhmm," Harry replies as he grabs onto Louis' nose and tries to bite it.

"Yeah, well, my face is not on the menu," Louis says as he bats Harry's hands away.

"D'you even have any baby food?" Nick asks.

"Well… no."

"So all they've had today is chocolate?" Nick continues, giving Louis a skeptical look.

"No," Louis insists haughtily. "They had some… leftovers earlier."

"You can't feed babies Chinese takeaway, Lou."

"It wasn't chinese takeaway!" Louis huffs. He chooses not to clarify that he'd basically fed them leftover pizza as to not give Nick the idea that he's the better parental type around here. He can't even get Harry to put on a nappy, for Christ's sake.

"Well what are we going to do?" Nick sighs. "One of us is going to have to get proper baby food."

"I'll just order some from Tesco," Louis replies. "It's not that hard."

"That'll take ages," Nick says, "it'll be better if I just go now."

"You're not leaving me alone!" Louis shouts. "I called you over to help me, not abandon me!"

"I'm not abandoning you! It'll take half an hour, tops!"

"D'you have any idea how much trouble this lot can get into in half an hour?"

Niall starts giggling and both Louis and Nick look at him suspiciously.

"I see your point," Nick agrees reluctantly. "Alright, order on the stupid app. I'll go check and see if you've got anything they could have in the meantime."

Nick puts Niall back down on the couch and leaves the room, missing the face Louis makes at his back as he goes. He ends up having to put Harry down on the couch as well, finding it far more difficult to use his phone with one hand when there are tiny hands trying to grab it every two seconds.

"Louis!" Nick shouts from the kitchen.

"What?" Louis shouts back.

"C'mere!"

"I can't come in there!" Louis rolls his eyes. "You come here!"

Louis hears Nick grumbling to himself as he walks back into the living room, and he turns around to face him.

"Why d'you have a blue pineapple?" Nick asks, holding out the leftover fruit from the night before.

"Harry brought it," Louis answers, "I didn't eat it, but they did."

"They... did?" Nick repeats, going wide-eyed as he stares down at the fruit in his hands. "Lou, d'you think...?"

Louis stares blankly at him for a minute before what Nick's talking about clicks in his head and he goes wide-eyed too.

"It couldn't have," Louis mutters. He looks down at Harry, who's hiding his face in one of the couch cushions. "I am never going to trust anything you bring again, Haz."

"Bad Haz!" Niall shouts from the other end of the couch, and suddenly Harry's underneath the other three before Louis can do a thing.

"Hey! Hey, none of that!" Louis says as he pulls the other boys off one by one and cradles Harry in his arms before he stands up.

"Bad Haz!" Niall shouts again.

"Bad Niall," Louis says in return, "no hitting!"

Niall groans and thumps his fists against the couch cushion while Zayn and Liam share equally unimpressed looks pointed at Harry.

"D-Didn't know," Harry mumbles through a sniffle as he hides his face against Louis' shoulder.

"I know," Louis mumbles back as he looks up at Nick. "Mind tossing that?"

"Gladly," Nick replies with a laugh. "I'd better not turn into an infant just from touching it."

"I hope not," Louis agrees, "I am not changing your diaper."

"Ta, love." Nick rolls his eyes as he disappears back into the kitchen.

*

Even though by the time the Tesco order was delivered they were starving, all four boys were making it extremely difficult for Louis and Nick to give them even one bite of the baby food. Nick had only managed to get one spoonful of food into Niall's mouth at the very beginning, before Niall had realized how awful it really was and therefore refused to eat any more of it. Once the other boys had seen Niall's reaction, there was no chance they were going to eat any of it. Louis couldn't really blame them to be honest, it all looked positively disgusting.

But that didn't mean he wasn't going to keep trying.

"C'mon, just one bite?" he begs, trying to force the spoon into Liam's mouth. "You might like it!"

Liam shakes his head vigorously and pushes the spoon away, causing Louis to spill even more baby food on the counter. The only comfort he finds at the moment is the fact that Nick is having just as much difficulty as he is.

Perhaps a little more, if the state of his clothes are anything to go by.

"Think you need a bib, mate," Louis says with a laugh when he sees just how little of the baby food has ended up in anyone's mouth.

"Shut up," Nick replies as he pulls a jar out of Niall's hands, who was pulling the food out in fistfulls and smearing it across the counter. "Don't be naughty," he says to Niall, who throws more food at him.

Harry finds this hilarious, which makes Nick even more put out by the whole thing.

"Isn't there some trick to it?" Nick whines. "Like airplanes or some shit?"

Louis shrugs as he scoops out another spoonful of food, this time mimicking a plane as he offers it to Zayn. Louis really should've known better than to try it out for the first time with Zayn, because all he got in return was a blank stare and food on his shirt.

"Guess not," Louis mumbles. "They might be babies but they still have taste buds, and this food is shit."

"Pizza!" Niall crows.

"You're not getting--"

"Pizza!" the others echo and both Louis and Nick know it's a lost cause to try and get them to eat the baby food. Truth be told, the entire idea was doomed from the start.

"This was your stupid idea," Louis grumbles as he tosses the half-eaten tins of baby food into the garbage.

"They're babies," Nick reasons, "babies eat baby food."

"They ate normal food this morning!" Louis snaps. "They can eat proper food, you're just an idiot."

"I don't recall you objecting to the idea earlier," Nick replies coolly, which only makes Louis angrier.

"I thought _maybe_ you knew what you were talking about!" Louis shouts, forgetting of course that there are four tiny pairs of ears in the room who most certainly do not like loud noises.

One by one, they all start to cry.

"Now look what you've done." Louis glares at Nick as he scoops Zayn and Liam into his arms and starts bouncing them on his hips to try to get them to calm down.

"Me?" Nick scoffs as he picks up Harry and Niall to do the same. "You're the one shouting and upsetting them."

"You're upsetting _me_ ," Louis whispers harshly as he rounds on Nick, looking more than slightly ridiculous as he continues to glare at Nick with two sniffling toddlers on either hip. Nick can't help himself; he starts to laugh and can't stop.

Harry and Niall start giggling as Nick keeps on laughing, and soon Liam and Zayn join in as well. Deep down, Louis knows that his bandmates are laughing at Nick and not him but it's still no fun to feel like you're being mocked.

"I hate you," he seethes as he storms out of the kitchen, ignoring when Nick shouts his name.

Louis ends up going to his bedroom, kicking the door closed with his foot as loudly as he can before he deposits Liam and Zayn onto his bed. He collapses beside them a moment later and buries his head in one of the pillows with a pathetic groan.

"Lou-ee?"

Louis feels a gentle prod at his shoulder at the same time as a tug on the hem of his t-shirt, but he keeps his face pressed into the pillow so he can stay mad for as long as possible. It works until the two of them climb onto his back, repeating his name over and over as they continue to poke and prod at him.

Liam buries his head against Louis' neck and whines his name while Zayn sprawls out across Louis' back, making Louis smile into his pillow. All three stiffen when they hear the door to the bedroom slowly creak open, but Louis' smile grows wider when he hears the shuffle of tiny feet and soft grunting as Harry and Niall climb up onto the bed.

Louis carefully rolls onto his back and is quickly bombarded with cuddles from all four of them, each one latching on to Louis tightly. He looks up to see Nick leaning against the door frame with a hesitant smile.

"I ordered a pizza," he says quietly. "Well, I ordered two. Tiny or not, I'm sure these boys still eat far too much."

"Thanks," Louis says before Niall manages to crawl up his chest and wrap himself around Louis' head.

Louis and the boys venture back into the living room by the time the pizzas arrive, though no words are exchanged between Nick and Louis. They both concentrate on feeding the boys, insisting on cutting up the pieces of pizza into tiny bits so they don't get pizza everywhere.

Well, they still make quite a bit of a mess but that's half the fun of eating pizza anyway.

By the time everything's cleaned up, it's clear that it's far past the boys' bedtime. Zayn's curled up in Nick's lap with Harry pressed against his side, Niall's spread-eagled in the middle of the couch with bits of pizza still clutched in his hands, and Liam's been rubbing his eyes for the last ten minutes but huffs every time Louis even looks at him.

"Not sleepy," he mumbles as he reaches for more pizza, but Louis quickly moves it out of his reach.

"You're absolutely sleepy," Louis replies. "Time for bed."

"Pizza!" Niall cheers, but even he's sounding exhausted and he doesn't move from his spot on the couch.

Louis looks at Nick for the first time in almost an hour as he says, "c'mon, they'll take my bed."

Nick nods in response as he carefully gets off the couch with Zayn and Harry cradled in his arms, and Louis scoops Niall and Liam up and carries them into his bedroom. It takes a few minutes for them to get properly settled, mainly because Harry keeps changing his mind as to who he wants to cuddle with.

Once they're all tucked in and Louis has given each one a kiss on the forehead, he and Nick quietly leave the room and start cleaning up the remains of the pizza boxes.

"Thanks again," Louis mumbles when they're in the kitchen. "Sorry about before."

"S'alright," Nick laughs softly, "dunno why you thought I'd be any good at this."

"You're old," Louis offers with a shrug.

"Thanks," Nick replies flatly, but out of the corner of his eye Louis can see he's smiling.

They both spend another few minutes puttering around the kitchen, not-so-subtly running into each other far more often than normal given the actual size of Louis' kitchen. They're both a bit pink-cheeked and giggly when Nick speaks again.

"I should get going," he says with a small sigh, "m'knackered."

"You're not leaving me here alone," Louis replies, staring at Nick with wide eyes. "Absolutely not."

"They're _asleep_ , Louis. They'll be fine."

"What about in the morning?" Louis goes on. "They'll probably wake up at the arsecrack of dawn, and then what?"

"What if they're back to normal?" Nick asks.

"What if they're not?" Louis takes a breath as he grips the counter behind him, the very idea of them _not_ being adults again is enough to make his heart race with worry.

"Hey," Nick says gently as he takes a tentative step forward into Louis' space and cups his hands around Louis' face. "It's going to be alright, yeah?"

"You're not going anywhere," Louis whispers firmly. "You can't leave me."

"Okay," Nick replies with a laugh. "You win. I'll stay."

He drops his hands from Louis' face but doesn't move back. Louis looks down at Nick's hands for a minute before he hesitantly reaches out and hooks his fingers through Nick's belt loops to tug him closer.

"Louis," Nick whispers softly as Louis tilts his head upwards to brush their lips together, smiling against Nick's mouth when he feels Nick put his hands on his waist.

They kiss lazily for a bit, until Louis shifts enough so that he straddles Nick's thigh and pulls Nick flush against him. Nick groans into Louis' mouth and kisses him harder as he pins Louis against the counter and grinds their hips together.

Louis fists his hands in Nick's shirt and lets out a rather embarrassing whimper when Nick slides a hand into his hair and pulls. Nick groans as Louis drops one hand between them and presses it hard against the zipper of his jeans, and he breaks away from the kiss just so he can _breathe_.

"Louis," he gasps out as Louis attaches his mouth to Nick's neck and starts sucking a mark into the skin. "Th-There's kids around."

"I know," Louis breathes out against his neck, cupping him roughly again before he pushes Nick away. "That's why you're sleeping on the couch."

He gives Nick a satisfied smirk before he hurries out of the kitchen as quickly as he can given the current situation in his own jeans. Just before he shuts himself up in the bathroom he hears Nick groan loudly, and Louis' smirk grows wider.

Even if he's left himself fairly sexually frustrated, he feels a ridiculous amount of glee in managing to do the same to Nick as well. Somehow that makes Louis' wank in the bathroom that much more satisfying before he darts into his room and closes the door behind him.

The boys are still sleeping soundly when Louis comes in, though he realizes then that he's left no room for himself to sleep in the bed beside them. He ends up curling up at the foot of the bed with a blanket thrown over him, but he doesn't mind.

He falls asleep with a smile on his face, part of him wishing they'll be back to normal in the morning but at the same time he hopes he'll get another day of this.

*

Louis doesn't want to open his eyes. He knows it's far too early for him to be awake and all he wants is to keep his eyes closed and hopefully fall back asleep. Whoever's poking him can just fuck right off because Louis is _not_ getting up.

"Lou-ee!"

Louis groans and rolls away from the voice, pulling his blanket over his head as he tries to remember what he was dreaming about. He feels a tug on the blanket and even though it was nowhere near strong enough to pull it off of him, he whines again.

"Outside!" the voice whispers again, "Lou-ee, outside!"

"Go on, m'not your bloody keeper," Louis mumbles back, still half in a daze. He shuts his eyes even tighter, thinking that if he wills it enough he'll force himself to fall back asleep.

The poking stops and Louis is able to relax again and settle back into the bed. He hums softly in content until he hears tiny feet running across the floor and he remembers.

He sits up with a start and looks at the bed, seeing only Niall's still there out of his four bandmates. Louis rubs his eyes furiously, hoping that the other three will magically appear when he puts his hands down. They don't.

It's still only Niall, and he's sitting on Louis' pillow with his hands down his pants.

"Niall!" Louis chastises. "Stop that!"

Niall frowns at him and resolutely makes no move to pull his hands out of his pants, and that is _really_ something Louis doesn't want to deal with at the moment.

"Oh for the love of-- come here!" Louis grabs Niall and hauls him off the bed, tucking him under his arm as he runs out of the bedroom in a hurry to find the others.

He finds Nick sprawled out on the couch still fast asleep, but before he can make his way to the couch to wake him up he hears a crash from the kitchen.

"Fuck," he mutters under his breath as he runs past the couch, Niall still under his arm, and finds the source of the crash in the kitchen.

Harry's managed to climb up onto the counter in an effort to reach the cereal Louis keeps on top of his fridge, but instead of successfully grabbing the box he's knocked it onto the ground. Louis also finds Zayn - with the previously confiscated crayons - drawing on one of the lower cupboards.

"I told you, no drawing on anything that isn't paper!" Louis scolds as he picks Zayn up from the floor before rounding on Harry. "And you, you little troublemaker."

"G'morning, Lou-ee!" Harry says with a big, cheesy smile that on any other occasion would've made Louis smile back. He was certainly not in the mood for smiling this early in the morning.

"C'mon," Louis grumbles as he steps forward for Harry to wrap his arms around his neck so Louis can carry all three of them back into the living room, "let's go wake up knobhead."

He unceremoniously dumps all three of them on top of Nick, startling him so much that he wakes up cursing loudly. It's entirely worth it to Louis, especially when Harry pinches Nick for said cursing.

Louis is pleased with himself for about thirty seconds before he realizes he's still missing one.

"Where's Liam?" he asks, more to the three toddlers than to Nick but he gets a response from him anyway.

"How should I know?" Nick groans.

"Shit!" Louis exclaims when it clicks in his head: the little voice saying _outside_ was Liam.

He finds him luckily still struggling to open the door to the backyard, though it appears Liam has been trying long enough that he's already extremely frustrated to the point of being in tears.

"Outside," he whimpers sadly when Louis picks him up, and he wiggles until Louis lets him face the door. "Want to go outside."

"You can't," Louis replies gently. "Not safe, alright?"

"Outside!" Liam cries with a sniffle as enormous tears start falling from his eyes and he turns again in Louis' arms to start sobbing into his shoulder.

"S'alright," Louis says in a soothing voice as he rubs Liam's back, slowly taking him back to the living room to join the rest.

Thankfully none of the other boys have managed to give Nick the slip in the short time it took Louis to find Liam. When they enter the living room, Harry's sitting on the arm rest near Nick's head playing with his hair, Zayn's lying down on Nick's chest and Niall's at the other end of the couch with his hands stuck in his pants again.

"Niall," Louis warns as he sits down on the floor next to the couch with Liam still in his arms. "I told you--"

"Oi," Nick says as he pokes Niall with his foot. "Hands where I can see 'em."

Niall giggles loudly in response and Nick pokes him again and again until Niall has to take his hands out of his pants so he can grab onto Nick's foot to stop him. Louis watches as Nick starts shaking his foot and Niall continues giggling wildly as he tries to keep holding on. Harry's giggling as he watches but Zayn slides off of Nick and curls into Louis' other side, putting his hand on top of Liam's where it's clutching the collar of Louis' shirt.

"See you found him," Nick says after Niall's calmed down.

"No thanks to you," Louis snaps, but then softens as he adds, "he just wanted to go outside."

"Why can't he go outside?"

"S'not safe," Louis reasons, "I don't want him to get hurt."

"What if we all went outside?" Nick suggests. "Then we could keep an eye on him."

"No," Louis shakes his head, "it's not safe."

"You're like a proper mum," Nick says with a soft laugh, "he's a growing boy, he needs to run around."

"Shut up," Louis mumbles, tightening his arms around both Liam and Zayn. "M'not a mum."

"How about the park, then?"

"What?" Louis asks flatly, turning to give Nick a skeptical look.

"We could take them to the park." Nick looks up at Harry and starts tickling him, sending Harry into a giggling frenzy. "Bet they'd like to get out of the flat for a bit."

"We can't do that," Louis replies, appalled at the very idea. "Are you mad?"

"Why not?" Nick asks, still looking at Harry. "Parks are made for kids, aren't they?"

"That's not the point," Louis grumbles, "don't you think people will find it weird that you and I are at a park with four toddlers?"

"So we go to a far away park," Nick reasons, "or dress up in a disguise," he looks at Louis with a smirk, "you're good at that."

"Shut up," Louis mumbles as his cheeks heat up, "it's a stupid idea, we're not doing it."

"Lou-ee," Liam whines. "Wanna go outside."

"Outside!" Harry cheers.

"Pizza!" Niall yells, giggling madly as they all look at him.

"I wanna go," Zayn says quietly as he tugs on Louis' collar.

"Not fair," Louis mumbles, "you're all ganging up on me."

"C'mon, Lou." Nick smiles. "Could dress you up like the proper mum you are."

"Shut up," Louis ducks his head and takes a deep breath, "stop calling me a mum."

"Your arse would look fantastic in a skirt," Nick mumbles as he reaches out and trails his fingers down the back of Louis' neck.

"There are _children_ around, Nicholas." Louis is absolutely blushing now and all four of his bandmates are giggling obnoxiously.

Regardless, Louis knows there's absolutely no way he and Nick could ever take the boys to any park. Even if they had the proper safety seats for his car, there's still the matter of being spotted.

"We're not going," he says firmly as he avoids everyone's gaze. "That's the end of it."

"C'mon," Nick says with a sigh, "you're being ridiculous, we could easily--"

"No!" Louis shouts. "There's nothing _easy_ about this, Nick! It might be easy for you because nobody cares about you or if you're seen with another bloke and some babies, but I don't have that luxury!"

It takes a moment for Louis to realize what he's said, but by the time he does Nick has already gotten up from the couch and left the room. Louis knows he should go after him and apologize, but he's still got Zayn and Liam in his lap and his stubborn nature is another thing entirely.

"Lou-ee," Harry says in a soft, sad voice as he climbs down onto the couch from the arm rest. "Meanie."

"I know," Louis replies.

"No park?" Liam asks quietly, and Louis takes a ragged breath and tries with all his might not to start crying.

"No park," he repeats softly. "How about breakfast instead?" He gently nudges Liam. "Maybe some leftover pizza?"

"Pizza," Niall echoes half-heartedly, and it hurts Louis even more knowing he's upset his boys this much.

"C'mon lads," he says as he pats Zayn and Liam, gently urging them to stand up. He slowly herds them all into the kitchen, sparing a passing glance at the doorway Nick disappeared through.

He'll make it right, somehow. He's not sure when or how, but he will.

*

The boys are disturbingly quiet and well-behaved in the kitchen, so much that Louis starts pulling funny faces just to get a smile. He knows he's fucked up with Nick, but he can't think about it when he's got the four of them to take care of. Besides, Nick is the one who left and hasn't come back.

It isn't until Louis is helping each boy in turn clean his hands that Nick reappears, standing silently in the kitchen doorway until Louis notices him.

"You're still here," Louis remarks, as he's genuinely surprised that Nick didn't abandon him and Nick offers a half-smile in return.

"Yeah," he says softly, "got any pizza left?"

"Help yourself," Louis replies with a nod. He drops his gaze as Nick comes over, trying not to hold his breath as Nick passes him to grab a slice for himself.

He looks at his boys, who are all watching the two of them with wide eyes and Louis gives them a reassuring smile.

"How about we play in the fort, yeah?" he suggests. "Maybe make it bigger?"

"Oh, um," Nick starts, his mouth full of pizza, "about the fort."

"What about it?"

"I may have dismantled it. A bit. Temporarily."

Louis turns to Nick with an incredulous look and is met with a wide grin.

"What?"

"You'll see," Nick replies before he shoves the rest of his pizza into his mouth. "C'mon."

He darts around Louis and hoists Liam and Harry into his arms, waiting for Louis to pick up Niall and Zayn before he leads them through the flat and towards the door to the backyard.

"Nick, what's going on?" Louis asks, but Nick doesn't answer.

He doesn't need to, Louis sees it the moment Nick steps through the door.

Louis doesn't know how Nick did it, but he's managed to baby-proof the entirety of the backyard. Nick sets Liam and Harry down immediately after stepping outside and they take off running, but Louis is so overwhelmed with what he's seeing that he only vaguely registers Niall and Zayn squirming in his arms to do the same.

"How did you…" Louis says softly as he comes to stand beside Nick, still staring in wonder.

"Just tidied up a bit, really," Nick says with a shrug. "Most everything fit in your shed - don't open the door any time soon though - and I just sort of stuck pillows and blankets on anything that the boys might run into."

"You didn't have to," Louis mumbles.

"Wanted to." Nick grins as he points to where the boys are all congregating on the far side of the yard, "look how happy they are."

"Thank you," Louis says as he hesitantly reaches for Nick's hand. "And… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"I know," Nick answers with a sigh. "I know I don't have it anywhere near as bad as you lot do, and it's easy to forget."

"Nick…"

"I just wanted to do something nice, alright?" Nick squeezes Louis' hand. "And I thought maybe you'd realize I'm not the twat you think I am."

"You're not, I know you're not," Louis says earnestly as he squeezes Nick's hand back, "I just… I'm just an idiot sometimes. I say shit I don't mean and I don't even _realize_ it until…"

"I get it, Lou, you don't need to--"

"I do," Louis interrupts, "I'm just… fuck, I'm _jealous_."

"Jealous?" Nick repeats with a mildly incredulous laugh. "What, of me?"

"Yeah," Louis replies miserably. "You're, y'know, _out_."

He sighs heavily and stares down at their hands as his heart pounds in his ears. Nick waits patiently for Louis to continue, holding tightly onto his hand as though he's afraid Louis might slip away if he lets go even a little.

"You can go out with another bloke, hold hands, kiss, whatever without having to worry about what it means for everyone else in your life," Louis rambles, "or how the rest of the fucking world will react. I want that so much, but…"

He breaks off and looks at the boys, who are still chasing each other around and laughing without a care in the world. He'd do anything to keep them this happy forever.

"I get it," Nick says as he turns to Louis and brushes his fingers along Louis' cheekbone. "But, y'know, I'm not asking for you to tell the world."

"I haven't even told the boys," Louis admits guiltily and Nick laughs.

"I think they already know."

Louis drops his head as Nick laughs again and tucks his hand under Louis' chin, tilting it back up so their eyes meet.

"Dunno why you'd even want me," Louis blinks back tears as he stares at Nick, "I'm awful to you all the time."

"You are," Nick agrees with a smile, "but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it."

"Nick--"

Louis is cut off by Nick kissing him, just a gentle press of their lips together before Nick is pulling away and smiling at him.

"M'not asking for the world," he whispers, "just for you."

"Nick…" Louis chokes out, his voice catching on a sob.

"Don't cry, love." Nick gently thumbs away the tears from Louis' eyes before he kisses him softly. "C'mon, let's go join your boys before they tire themselves out."

"Okay," Louis agrees, catching Nick's lips in another kiss before he lets himself be pulled across the lawn.

"Lou-ee!" they all shout as they run over to the pair of them and cling to their ankles, each one babbling about the yard but they're all so excited Louis can't tell what they're saying.

"Alright, alright!" he calls, wiping the last of his tears away as he smiles down at them. "Who wants to play football?!"

The boys all cheer - even Zayn, Louis notes with glee - and Nick groans loudly.

"I'll just sit this one out," he says as he tries to pull away from Louis, but Louis refuses to let go.

"Absolutely not," he insists, "you've got to get used to footie if you want me."

Nick rolls his eyes and starts humming the Spice Girls as he pulls Louis close and kisses the top of his head.

"Twat," he mumbles fondly.

*

They end up spending all day outside, coming up with a variety of ridiculous games to keep the boys entertained. Truth be told, Louis is fairly certain they'd be okay with just lying on their backs in the grass as long as they get to stay outside.

In the end Louis and Nick have to drag them back inside once it starts getting dark, plying them with promises of food and rebuilding their fort. Nick gathers up the pillows and blankets while Louis throws together an easy dinner of pasta after finding the necessary ingredients stashed in one of his cupboards.

In the back of his mind Louis knows the boys are going to make ridiculous messes of themselves as they eat, but the day's been too good for him to care.

As he watches Nick mess about with Liam during dinner, a small part of Louis sort of wishes they could all stay like this. It's absurd, and as soon as the idea pops into his head Louis pushes it away, but he can't help but wonder if he'll ever find this again.

Granted, it would be best if this good feeling didn't require his four best mates to be infants, but Louis has learned to take what he can get when he can get it.

Louis shoos them all out of the kitchen after the boys have been cleaned up as best they can - really, Louis is rather regretful that he didn't make them follow Harry's example and not wear clothes while they ate since Harry was so easy to clean up comparatively speaking - telling Nick to start on the fort while he tidies up the kitchen.

If he manages to catch Nick for a quick kiss and a cheeky grope before he leaves the kitchen, well, at least he made sure there were no impressionable children around.

By the time Louis has finished cleaning up the kitchen, Nick has somehow rebuilt the fort in the living room to be even more massive than the first. It now covers the couch as well, and Louis has absolutely no idea how to get inside.

"Is anyone there?" he calls, hearing giggles in return as he crouches down. "Or have you all been swallowed up by blankets?"

"Here!" Niall sticks his head out of what Louis assumes to be the entrance inside and grins widely.

"Can I come in?" Louis asks, smiling sweetly.

"Password!"

"Hmm... is it pizza?"

"No!" Niall giggles again.

"No? Hmm. What about Irish?"

"No!" Niall starts giggling even louder and shrieks in surprise as he's suddenly pulled back into the fort and Nick appears in his place.

"There's no bloody password," he says with a grin, "but there is a toll."

"Oh?" Louis raises an eyebrow and gives Nick an incredulous look. "Is that so?"

"Mhm." Nick nods. "'Fraid I can't let you in until it's paid."

"S'not chocolate, is it? Haven't got any since _someone_ ate all mine!" Louis pointedly shouts loud enough for the others to hear, and once again he's met with giggles in response.

"No," Nick laughs as well and tugs Louis closer, "just a kiss, you idiot."

Louis grins as he leans forward and presses his lips against Nick's, sighing softly when he pulls away.

"Did the others have to pay this toll?" he asks with a smirk. Nick rolls his eyes.

"Yes," he answers flatly, "I've spent all this time snogging your baby bandmates, you knob."

"Dirty old man," Louis mutters, still smirking as he crawls into the fort after Nick.

Inside he finds Harry and Liam playing patty cake while Niall and Zayn scribble on bits of paper with the crayons Louis swore he hid for good. He looks at Nick for an explanation and he shrugs in response.

"At least it's on paper!"

Louis can't argue with that, so he curls into Nick's side instead. Eventually Harry crawls over and demands for them to play patty cake as well, which permanently affixes a smile to Louis' face.

They spend another hour in the fort before the boys all start getting sleepy one by one, collapsing in tired heaps in the mass of blankets.

"Think they'll be alright in here tonight?" Louis asks softly as he tugs a blanket over Zayn.

"Don't see why not," Nick answers. "Though it makes it a bit hard for me to sleep on the couch."

"You don't have to," Louis says, avoiding Nick's eyes as he dutifully checks on the rest of the boys before crawling out of the fort with Nick at his heels.

"Lou," he says softly once they're both on their feet. Louis doesn't say a word as he turns and presses himself against Nick, standing on tip-toe to catch Nick's lips in a kiss. Nick wraps his arms around Louis' waist and holds him there, kissing back eagerly as Louis twists his fingers in Nick's hair.

"Come to bed with me," Louis whispers against Nick's lips.

"But..." Nick spares a look at the fort and Louis pulls him back into a kiss and moans softly.

"Don't care," he mutters, "want you."

Nick groans low in his throat and he grabs Louis' arse, grinding their hips together before he gasps out, "okay."

It's easy enough for Louis to wrap his legs around Nick, but it's slightly more difficult for Nick to maneuver his way through Louis' flat towards his bedroom without knocking into anything. He doesn't know his way around all that well and Louis isn't helping by keeping his mouth occupied.

Nick finally deposits Louis onto his back on the bed, quickly running back to shut the door before he climbs on top of Louis and kisses him again. Louis' hands scramble to take Nick's clothes off while keeping their mouths together, and he whines when he can't get Nick's shirt off properly.

"Hang on," Nick grumbles as he sits up to pull it over his head, smiling down at Louis once he's done the same. "Better?"

"Much," Louis replies as he tugs Nick back down and starts pulling at the waistband of his jeans. Nick groans and rocks his hips forward, bucking into Louis' hand as it grips his cock.

Louis bites down on Nick's bottom lip, soothing it with his tongue as he starts tugging on Nick's cock slowly. Nick groans again, wanting nothing more than to pin Louis down and tease him just as badly as he's been teased all weekend.

He pulls Louis' hand out of his jeans and pins both of his arms above his head, smirking down at him when Louis gasps.

"What d'you want?" he breathes into Louis' ear as he grazes his teeth against the tendon in Louis' neck, making him shiver.

"You," Louis grits out, biting back a moan when Nick grinds his hips down.

"I know that," Nick says with an amused chuckle turned groan as he continues to rub off on Louis, "but what else?"

"Anything," Louis groans, "please, Nick, anything."

"Anything?" Nick murmurs as he trails his lips down and across Louis' collarbone. Louis whimpers and nods frantically as he bucks his hips up into Nick's, desperate for friction.

He trails down Louis' torso, keeping his arms pinned above his head for as long as he can until he's forced to let go. He drops his hands to Louis' joggers and starts pulling them down his thighs along with his pants, all the while sucking a mark into the skin above Louis' right hipbone.

Louis mumbles endless obscenities and encouragement, mindlessly begging for Nick to do _something_ when Nick finally wraps his lips around the tip of his cock and Louis nearly shouts.

"Shh, love," Nick says with a breathless laugh, "don't want to wake the babies, do we?"

Louis groans and drops his head back against the mattress as Nick lowers his head back down, taking more of Louis' cock into his mouth as he firmly holds Louis' hips against the bed.

Louis babbles nonstop as Nick bobs his head up and down, moaning around his cock as Louis threads his fingers through Nick's hair and grips it hard. He whimpers loudly when Nick pulls off, lifting his head to stare at him angrily.

"What--"

"Turn over," Nick says as he taps Louis' hip, and Louis huffs in annoyance but ends up doing as asks anyway. He's about to ask Nick just what the hell he's thinking when he feels Nick's hands on his arse and he immediately knows exactly what's coming.

Still, it doesn't stop him from crying out in surprise when he feels Nick's tongue against his hole, though he quickly buries his head in his pillow to muffle the sound.

Louis eagerly pushes back against Nick's mouth as he grips his pillow, already so close to the edge but not wanting it to end. He gasps when Nick wraps his hand around his cock and starts to jerk him off, knowing full well he's going to come all over himself in no time at all.

"Nick, Nick, _Nick_ ," he whines as he starts to come, his words breaking off into a moan as Nick keeps his mouth pressed against him and his hand working his cock through the orgasm.

Louis shivers when Nick gives his hole one last lick as he pulls away, kissing the bottom of his spine before gently turning Louis onto his back. He stares down at Louis with a triumphant smile, pressing his clean hand against himself and rubbing his cock through his jeans.

"Your turn," Louis croaks out as he reaches for Nick's waistband again. "Wanna suck you."

"How can I say no to that?" Nick grins as he tugs his jeans down, kicking them off before he crawls over Louis until his cock is pressed against Louis' lips.

Louis opens his mouth and quickly sucks Nick down, and it takes everything in Nick not to start fucking Louis' mouth immediately. He takes deep breaths as they build up a steady rhythm, but soon Louis is gripping his arse and trying to force him to go faster.

"Shit, Lou," Nick groans, "so good."

Louis whines around Nick's cock and sucks harder, making Nick's groans grow louder.

"Fuck, I'm gonna come," he chokes out, and Louis takes Nick by surprise by suddenly pulling off and sliding up the bed.

"C'mon," he grunts, his voice wrecked as he wraps his hand around Nick's cock and starts jerking him off quickly, "come on me."

"Fuck, fuck, oh _fuck_ ," Nick moans as he comes all over Louis' chest, gasping as Louis tugs him through it and moans as though he's coming again already.

Nick collapses on the bed next to him not soon after, panting and dazed from coming so hard. He keeps his eyes fixed on Louis through the haze, groaning softly when Louis slides his fingers through the mess across his chest and sucks Nick's come off of them.

"Tease," he mutters and Louis smirks.

"You love it," he replies as he does it again, then wrapping his hand around his half-hard cock and stroking himself as he stares back at Nick. "Wanna go again?"

"Might need a bit," Nick says with a tired groan, "but I'd love to watch."

"Thought you would," Louis grins, letting his eyes flutter shut as he moans, "dirty old man."

Later on - having had a third round in the shower as they cleaned themselves off from the first two - Louis picks his phone up from the bedside table where he abandoned it days before and crawls into bed next to Nick.

"What're you doing?" Nick asks as he tries and fails to hold back a yawn. Louis tilts his screen away from Nick's nosy eyes and sticks his tongue out.

"None of your business," he replies, squawking suddenly when Nick pulls him close and nuzzles his face against Louis' hair.

"You're such a twat," Nick tells him fondly, and Louis grins.

He doesn't respond, but he does let Nick watch as he carefully opens up his contacts list on his phone and scrolls down until he reaches Nick's, still categorized as the poo emoji. Nick chuckles in his ear, mumbling something unintelligible under his breath as Louis edits it so he's now under the emoji of an old man's head.

"Of course," Nick murmurs and Louis turns his head, brushing their noses together as he grins again.

"I could change it to the baby, if you like, but I figured--"

Nick cuts him off with a kiss, pushing his phone out of his hands and onto the bed. Louis wraps his arms around Nick and kisses back with a smile, humming softly against Nick's mouth.

Louis settles with his head in the crook of Nick's neck and closes his eyes as he listens to Nick's breathing, letting the sound lull him to sleep.

"You're staying the peach emoji in mine," Nick mumbles, sneaking his hand down to cup Louis' bum just as Louis is about to drop off.

Louis doesn't even try to hide his smile.

*

Louis doesn't even realize he's awake until he hears the sound of his bedroom door creaking open. He groans and rolls over, intending to hide in his pillow but is instead met with Nick's bare chest. He wraps his arm around Nick and snuggles into his side, conveniently forgetting why he woke up in the first place.

He remembers when he hears snickering coming from the doorway.

As he lifts his head and turns to look at the door, his heart leaps at the sight of his four boys back to normal.

"Hiya, Lou." Niall grins and wiggles his eyebrows. "See you had a good night."

Louis' cheeks burn as he glares at Niall and the others as they start to snicker again.

"Fuck off," he grumbles as he flips them the bird. "Make yourselves useful and make breakfast and let me sleep a while longer."

He presses his face against Nick's chest again, hiding his smile when Nick wraps his arms around him.

"Night, Mum. Dad."

Louis sits up quickly and throws his pillow at the boys, but it only hits the door as they're too quick with closing it. Their laughs are muffled when Louis collapses back into bed and grumbles under his breath, but Nick rolls over and pulls Louis to him.

"Go back to sleep," he murmurs as he kisses Louis' temple.

" _You're_ the mum," Louis snaps as he reaches over to tweak Nick's nipple. Nick smacks his hand but chuckles fondly as they curl up around each other.

"Whatever you say, love."

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


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